An update? Inconcievable!

It looks like an update, it feels like an update... it doesn't smell like one, but that's all right. I guess it's an update, then.

As I've said, I don't update a lot. Its hard to commit myself to things. Which really sucks, because there's a lot out there to commit to, which is the very first thing people tell me when I alert them that I have such a problem. "Life's out there!" they say, "Stop playing games and seize it by the horns!" Its quite hard to listen to when you're trying to do stuff, but things keep holding you back. "What's holding you back except yourself?" They say. Nothing, I'd reply, and thus ensures that the person I've confided in asserts his superior life over mine by telling me that I should do things. That I shouldn't stay at home. That I shouldn't be a loser.

That's why I don't confide in people like that. I don't like being called that. It happened to me for seven years in school and I've spent the rest of my life so far believing it. I can't help it, I know I'm not a loser. I've a fairly good body, A nice face, beautiful blue eyes, and I'm clever and funny. I'm sure I'd be the life of any party if I wanted to be. But I was never invited to any parties. In turn I didn't care for them either. I learned to be the loser that I was treated like, and let me tell you, it sucks. Not so much the actually being a loser because you're told you are part (Which is bad enough), but that nobody understands. They're not losers.

And then they call you emo. They say you're overcomplicating your problems. This is why emo people get me upset. Its because of them that we people with real depression don't get fair attention. It's paralyzing and nobody seems to understand how hard it is to want something so badly, and to understand that you want it, but can't bring yourself to get it. It's depressing and only solidifies my predicament.

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Well, that's why I don't blog much. That's a bit depressing to read, and I don't like pity. But that
explains why I don't blog much. A lot of it would be like that.

Not all of it, though. There are high points, I do smile and laugh and enjoy movies. I just saw Half-Blood prince today, and it was top-notch. Yates is getting good at directing, and that's proven by a couple of original scenes that didn't take place in the novel. That and Evanna Lynch's acting.

There's something I don't think I'll hit "Save Now" without taking out. I'm not one to fawn over an actress. I feel extremely awkward if I even think about googling her. It's the inner eye psychological thing. People have watched and judged me for so long that I feel watched and judged even if nobody is looking. And I know what I should say to myself. "So what? She's a good actress, she's cute."

Although, I think I've another reason for witholding things like that. Maybe I'm waiting to choreograph myself. What I mean is, maybe I'm waiting for things to happen perfectly, when I already know that there's no such thing as perfection. Things happen and that's that. Perfection only means that the outcome matches intention. And maybe things that are better than I could have possibly imagined real would come about if I just risked it and let things happen.

Or so I say.