It looks like an update, it feels like an update... it doesn't smell like one, but that's all right. I guess it's an update, then.
As I've said, I don't update a lot. Its hard to commit myself to things. Which really sucks, because there's a lot out there to commit to, which is the very first thing people tell me when I alert them that I have such a problem. "Life's out there!" they say, "Stop playing games and seize it by the horns!" Its quite hard to listen to when you're trying to do stuff, but things keep holding you back. "What's holding you back except yourself?" They say. Nothing, I'd reply, and thus ensures that the person I've confided in asserts his superior life over mine by telling me that I should do things. That I shouldn't stay at home. That I shouldn't be a loser.
That's why I don't confide in people like that. I don't like being called that. It happened to me for seven years in school and I've spent the rest of my life so far believing it. I can't help it, I know I'm not a loser. I've a fairly good body, A nice face, beautiful blue eyes, and I'm clever and funny. I'm sure I'd be the life of any party if I wanted to be. But I was never invited to any parties. In turn I didn't care for them either. I learned to be the loser that I was treated like, and let me tell you, it sucks. Not so much the actually being a loser because you're told you are part (Which is bad enough), but that nobody understands. They're not losers.
And then they call you emo. They say you're overcomplicating your problems. This is why emo people get me upset. Its because of them that we people with real depression don't get fair attention. It's paralyzing and nobody seems to understand how hard it is to want something so badly, and to understand that you want it, but can't bring yourself to get it. It's depressing and only solidifies my predicament.
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Well, that's why I don't blog much. That's a bit depressing to read, and I don't like pity. But that
explains why I don't blog much. A lot of it would be like that.
Not all of it, though. There are high points, I do smile and laugh and enjoy movies. I just saw Half-Blood prince today, and it was top-notch. Yates is getting good at directing, and that's proven by a couple of original scenes that didn't take place in the novel. That and Evanna Lynch's acting.
There's something I don't think I'll hit "Save Now" without taking out. I'm not one to fawn over an actress. I feel extremely awkward if I even think about googling her. It's the inner eye psychological thing. People have watched and judged me for so long that I feel watched and judged even if nobody is looking. And I know what I should say to myself. "So what? She's a good actress, she's cute."
Although, I think I've another reason for witholding things like that. Maybe I'm waiting to choreograph myself. What I mean is, maybe I'm waiting for things to happen perfectly, when I already know that there's no such thing as perfection. Things happen and that's that. Perfection only means that the outcome matches intention. And maybe things that are better than I could have possibly imagined real would come about if I just risked it and let things happen.
Or so I say.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Hey, look at that, I'm not updating. Big surprise, eh? I told you I was no good at this! I'll try again, and I'll give you an explanation for anyone reading (I know my friend Jacinda is!)
So, I had intended to make this a 3 part blog. One would be a random philosophical idea, one would be of FFXI, and one would be of my real life. The thing is, my very last entry ended with my cat being sick. He died shortly thereafter, and I wasn't in a good mood to write about it.
I can fix that by just blogging about anything, mostly FFXI, maybe a movie review since that seems like the sort of thing I'd enjoy. I always, ALWAYS seem to disagree with the consensus at Rotten Tomatoes. I don't like movie reviews much because they just don't touch on whether or not I enjoyed the movie. Like, how did Knowing get mixed reviews? I'm surprised I didn't punch my TV halfway through. And Push got 20% positive reviews? Sure, it was mixed and jumbled, but the only fault of it was that it was a movie and not a miniseries, like it should have been.
Anyway, I'll try to blog more often now. I'm keeping the name since I like the parody. I'll update again later today with something more substantial.
So, I had intended to make this a 3 part blog. One would be a random philosophical idea, one would be of FFXI, and one would be of my real life. The thing is, my very last entry ended with my cat being sick. He died shortly thereafter, and I wasn't in a good mood to write about it.
I can fix that by just blogging about anything, mostly FFXI, maybe a movie review since that seems like the sort of thing I'd enjoy. I always, ALWAYS seem to disagree with the consensus at Rotten Tomatoes. I don't like movie reviews much because they just don't touch on whether or not I enjoyed the movie. Like, how did Knowing get mixed reviews? I'm surprised I didn't punch my TV halfway through. And Push got 20% positive reviews? Sure, it was mixed and jumbled, but the only fault of it was that it was a movie and not a miniseries, like it should have been.
Anyway, I'll try to blog more often now. I'm keeping the name since I like the parody. I'll update again later today with something more substantial.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
The First Point
Time for a revamp, methinks. I told you all, I get bored easily and wouldn't make it past the first week. So now, if I had any readers, they're gone, and I have to start anew. Sorry people.
But anyhow, I'm back. I'm leaving out the parts about my life, too. Something might slip here and there, but for the most part, it's too sensitive to write, and likely awkward to read. I'll be purely FFXI now, with pictures and everything!
[IMG]http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f298/ArcAdam/Arc090508195630a.jpg[/IMG]
See, there's me. That's my Black Mage, looking smug with himself.
Anyway, the reason for my new lust to blog is this:
[IMG]http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f298/ArcAdam/Arc090508195630a.jpg[/IMG]
FFXI has a new successor to the throne, and not many people are very excited about it, from what I can tell. Which is absurd, really. Hasn't anyone read Robert Frost? Fire and Ice? On The Beach by Neville Schute (Hope I spelled that right.)
All things, living or dead, die by fire or by ice. In a blaze of glory, or in cold isolation. We all dread how the end will come, will we die forgotten, cold, and lonely, or remembered, painfully, and heroically?
XI's not much longer for this world. Even if the servers never shut down, it will never be in the blaze of glory we want it to be. The economy will crash, no doubt. People quitting will give away gear or sell it for almost nothing, hardly anyone will do Dynamis, limiting the inflow of ancient currency, so relic weapons will be even harder to come accross.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. But FFXI won't die so long as we have a place for it in our hearts. Arcadian is going to see new horizons and lands in FFXIV, bringing with him the valuable experiances of his past adventures.
But anyhow, I'm back. I'm leaving out the parts about my life, too. Something might slip here and there, but for the most part, it's too sensitive to write, and likely awkward to read. I'll be purely FFXI now, with pictures and everything!
[IMG]http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f298/ArcAdam/Arc090508195630a.jpg[/IMG]
See, there's me. That's my Black Mage, looking smug with himself.
Anyway, the reason for my new lust to blog is this:
[IMG]http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f298/ArcAdam/Arc090508195630a.jpg[/IMG]
FFXI has a new successor to the throne, and not many people are very excited about it, from what I can tell. Which is absurd, really. Hasn't anyone read Robert Frost? Fire and Ice? On The Beach by Neville Schute (Hope I spelled that right.)
All things, living or dead, die by fire or by ice. In a blaze of glory, or in cold isolation. We all dread how the end will come, will we die forgotten, cold, and lonely, or remembered, painfully, and heroically?
XI's not much longer for this world. Even if the servers never shut down, it will never be in the blaze of glory we want it to be. The economy will crash, no doubt. People quitting will give away gear or sell it for almost nothing, hardly anyone will do Dynamis, limiting the inflow of ancient currency, so relic weapons will be even harder to come accross.
And that's just the tip of the iceberg. But FFXI won't die so long as we have a place for it in our hearts. Arcadian is going to see new horizons and lands in FFXIV, bringing with him the valuable experiances of his past adventures.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
The Primary Conflict
When faced with death, men and women are almost inconsolable. It doesn't matter how much wisdom a person may have, or how smart their comfort is. They will feel despair and sadness regardless of any words of wisdom. It is important to let them grieve, let them despair and feel sadness, for that is how the dead are honored. That is how the living honor them. That is how life, both alive and deceased, give respect to those who aren't here in flesh, but remain in spirit. It is what makes us humans so psychologically superior, in that we can recognize the existence of a person or thing regardless of it's presence or lack thereof in our present space and time (Research object permanence for more details).
But there is another level of spiritual permanence that is oft misunderstood. The universe wastes nothing, it recycles everything. Flesh returns to the earth, spirit remains in memory, and soul remains in those who loved them in life. They may not be around, but we humans have the capability of understanding that their absence does not mean that they are gone.
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Well, FFXI has gotten a little irritating. Not the game itself, but within the game, their exists a faction devoted to accumulating currency and selling it for real world money (Real Money Trading, also known as RMT.) RMT's are ruthless, they have sunk to the level of stealing accounts, harming the in-game economy, and spamming us with advertisements. The game staff, of course, frowns on this and bans them seconds within their first offense, but there's little else that can be done.
Well, I was just angry enough the other day to repay them for their deeds. I sent them an e-mail, explaining my general dissatisfaction of their services, along with some vocabulary of questionable morality. In addition, I asked as many people as I could to do this too. I even went to some FFXI community sites. I doubt my post got a good reception, but some people may have sent an e-mail, so that'll have been a success. I planned on canceling my subscription to that site anyway, so best to go out with a bang, you know?
RMT just boils my blood, though. Partly because I'm guilty of it. I've bought gil, the currency of FFXI, before. This was way back, before I understood its severity or consequences. After I found out, my entire FFXI career has been about making enough money to pay it back. Not to the RMT's, mind you, but to my friends. As I see it, that was stolen money. A stolen monster, a stolen account, a stolen item, stolen gil. And I bought it. So I need to pay it back. It'll take awhile, but it's something I have to do.
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Today was depressing. My cat is dying, the cause is Chronic Renal Failure. Felines are adapted to live in desert/savanna environments, and as such, their diets consist of very little protein. The kidney has trouble getting it all out of the cat's system. Kidney failure to a cat is like heart failure to a human. No living thing dies of old age, they die because they are too old to maintain their body, and something gives out. For humans, we put the most strain on our hearts, so that's what is likely to go first. For cats, it's the kidneys.
My cat is almost 10. He's too young to die. I'd explain more, but the subject chokes me up, so I'll leave it at that.
But there is another level of spiritual permanence that is oft misunderstood. The universe wastes nothing, it recycles everything. Flesh returns to the earth, spirit remains in memory, and soul remains in those who loved them in life. They may not be around, but we humans have the capability of understanding that their absence does not mean that they are gone.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, FFXI has gotten a little irritating. Not the game itself, but within the game, their exists a faction devoted to accumulating currency and selling it for real world money (Real Money Trading, also known as RMT.) RMT's are ruthless, they have sunk to the level of stealing accounts, harming the in-game economy, and spamming us with advertisements. The game staff, of course, frowns on this and bans them seconds within their first offense, but there's little else that can be done.
Well, I was just angry enough the other day to repay them for their deeds. I sent them an e-mail, explaining my general dissatisfaction of their services, along with some vocabulary of questionable morality. In addition, I asked as many people as I could to do this too. I even went to some FFXI community sites. I doubt my post got a good reception, but some people may have sent an e-mail, so that'll have been a success. I planned on canceling my subscription to that site anyway, so best to go out with a bang, you know?
RMT just boils my blood, though. Partly because I'm guilty of it. I've bought gil, the currency of FFXI, before. This was way back, before I understood its severity or consequences. After I found out, my entire FFXI career has been about making enough money to pay it back. Not to the RMT's, mind you, but to my friends. As I see it, that was stolen money. A stolen monster, a stolen account, a stolen item, stolen gil. And I bought it. So I need to pay it back. It'll take awhile, but it's something I have to do.
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Today was depressing. My cat is dying, the cause is Chronic Renal Failure. Felines are adapted to live in desert/savanna environments, and as such, their diets consist of very little protein. The kidney has trouble getting it all out of the cat's system. Kidney failure to a cat is like heart failure to a human. No living thing dies of old age, they die because they are too old to maintain their body, and something gives out. For humans, we put the most strain on our hearts, so that's what is likely to go first. For cats, it's the kidneys.
My cat is almost 10. He's too young to die. I'd explain more, but the subject chokes me up, so I'll leave it at that.
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Main Idea
I have no problems with God. I have a very good relationship with Her, myself. So it stands ironic that I have a problem with a lot of people who believe in God, and I hope as you read this, maybe you'll not be one of them.
A lot of people who say that they have faith, that God will take care of them, that they'll be with Jesus when they die, or, worst of all, that they'll go happily into the rapture knowing they'll be salvaged, are really deluding themselves. I mean on a horrifying scale of delusion. They shy away from all responsibility in the world for any of their actions or inaction, leaving it up to the Higher power to make sure everything gets sorted out in the end.
That's even a sin to you people, you know. It's called sloth. Doing nothing when you should be doing something. I'm sure that God doesn't want you to sit around and trust that he'll make your problems go away, simply because you said you'd believe anything he says.
Now, I know that's a tremendous generalization. There are more people in the world who take that kind of message to heart and do spend their waking hours promoting peace and prosperity. But if you are, ask yourself this: Would you still be doing that if nobody was watching? You may answer yes, but here's a follow-up experiment. Go ahead and renounce your faith, and then continue to be a good person. Can you do that? If you truly were a good person not because God was watching you, but because you earnestly want those that are less fortunate to BE fortunate, then I hardly think you'd be punished for that. If you were, then is Heaven really the place you want to be when you die, filled with hypocrites who remained faithful only to save themselves from hell?
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There's probably nothing more boring in Final Fantasy XI than the dreaded merit party. See, after obtaining level 75, you're not done leveling, really. You can still earn experience points and spend them on stats, abilities, spells, and a range of other augments to further enhance yourself. The problem is, you're back to the EXP grind, which takes hours upon hours of monotonous killing. The boredom can be alleviated by meriting with friends, or by exclaiming to your friend how much everyone else sucks and how great you are (It's not my fault I'm awesome), but all in all, it's exhausting.
And I STILL have hours and hours to go before I've finished enhancing myself stat wise. There's gear to get too. Sometimes it seems like there is no goal, the bar keeps getting raised, and we're all mice chasing after a wedge of cheese attached to a fishing pole glued onto our heads.
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My cat is in the animal hospital today. The vet says it could be kidney failure, and my mother could not be more depressing about it if she tried. I'm torn up, so does she really need to remind me how fatal kidney failure is and how sad she's become of it? This is my cat too, and he's the only thing in the world that actually depends on me.
If I died, people would be upset, sure, but the world would keep spinning. It wouldn't even trip over its shoelaces. My cat, Checkers, is the only one that would need someone else to take care of him. He'd need to change his entire life. That means something to someone who's gone his whole life feeling like he doesn't even warrant a blip on the cosmic radar.
A lot of people who say that they have faith, that God will take care of them, that they'll be with Jesus when they die, or, worst of all, that they'll go happily into the rapture knowing they'll be salvaged, are really deluding themselves. I mean on a horrifying scale of delusion. They shy away from all responsibility in the world for any of their actions or inaction, leaving it up to the Higher power to make sure everything gets sorted out in the end.
That's even a sin to you people, you know. It's called sloth. Doing nothing when you should be doing something. I'm sure that God doesn't want you to sit around and trust that he'll make your problems go away, simply because you said you'd believe anything he says.
Now, I know that's a tremendous generalization. There are more people in the world who take that kind of message to heart and do spend their waking hours promoting peace and prosperity. But if you are, ask yourself this: Would you still be doing that if nobody was watching? You may answer yes, but here's a follow-up experiment. Go ahead and renounce your faith, and then continue to be a good person. Can you do that? If you truly were a good person not because God was watching you, but because you earnestly want those that are less fortunate to BE fortunate, then I hardly think you'd be punished for that. If you were, then is Heaven really the place you want to be when you die, filled with hypocrites who remained faithful only to save themselves from hell?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's probably nothing more boring in Final Fantasy XI than the dreaded merit party. See, after obtaining level 75, you're not done leveling, really. You can still earn experience points and spend them on stats, abilities, spells, and a range of other augments to further enhance yourself. The problem is, you're back to the EXP grind, which takes hours upon hours of monotonous killing. The boredom can be alleviated by meriting with friends, or by exclaiming to your friend how much everyone else sucks and how great you are (It's not my fault I'm awesome), but all in all, it's exhausting.
And I STILL have hours and hours to go before I've finished enhancing myself stat wise. There's gear to get too. Sometimes it seems like there is no goal, the bar keeps getting raised, and we're all mice chasing after a wedge of cheese attached to a fishing pole glued onto our heads.
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My cat is in the animal hospital today. The vet says it could be kidney failure, and my mother could not be more depressing about it if she tried. I'm torn up, so does she really need to remind me how fatal kidney failure is and how sad she's become of it? This is my cat too, and he's the only thing in the world that actually depends on me.
If I died, people would be upset, sure, but the world would keep spinning. It wouldn't even trip over its shoelaces. My cat, Checkers, is the only one that would need someone else to take care of him. He'd need to change his entire life. That means something to someone who's gone his whole life feeling like he doesn't even warrant a blip on the cosmic radar.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Introductory Paragraph
What does one do when their aspirations clash with their determinations? When one's self-imposed image of themselves collides with the realization that they are not the mask they wish to be? When I'm old, and if I'm the famous, inspiring, kind, adorable, respectful diplomat that I imagine to lie at the center of my very being, can I look back on this blog as an appropriate beginning to the legend that is my life?
No? Yes? I best play it safe, then, and not make a blog at all. I'll leave it up to chance and circumstance to decide how I will enter the world. Will I be born under a new star of Bethlehem? Will I amaze crowds as secret powers suddenly manifest in the enigmatic but quiet figure nobody suspected but everyone respected? Or will I work my way up from the bottom of the line, creating the inspiring story of a man who went from zero to hero, all because of his will to help people?
Is a blog, an internet blog which anyone can do, the best way to publicly begin my life quest to become the hero of Earth? Or is it a folly, to deny one's self admittance to the world because they want to be invited backstage first?
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Today was pretty good. I logged in only for a short time for Limbus, an activity involving around a dozen people, killing monsters and collecting rewards as in any MMORPG. The details are complicated, sure, but all you need to understand is that it's really no different than an after-school club getting together at a park and playing baseball. The details are different, yes, but the premise is the same. Have fun with people you like to be around.
And I did have fun. Sexy fun. We make a lot of sexy jokes and innuendo. It's relaxing, in a way, because I don't have many people to talk to about this kind of stuff. My family would understand, sure, but it's more awkward than relaxing. It's fun with my friends.
I didn't get any rewards save for a few ancient beastcoins, but that's fine. I did get a special hat for my Black Mage the day before, completing the set, so I'm psyched for the week in terms of rewards. I like this hat.
I bought myself a pendant too, which augments my magical powers when I'm low on mana. It was rather pricey, but I've been saving up for nothing to buy, so I just did it. I need to start hoarding again, though. I don't like being low on money.
I started this blog incidentally after a friend in that Limbus run showed me HER blog, so I decided to try my hand at it. I probably won't get past the first week.
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I overslept today. Well, I fell asleep at 10:00 in the morning and woke up at 2:00 in the afternoon, more like. My cat is sick, so I've been tending to him all night. He seems a little better today, I went to the pet store and replaced his dishes with stainless steel ones that don't attract bacteria, and got him some catnip for when he gets better. He's still very sluggish though, and not eating much. I'm worried about diabetes. He's a rather chubby black and white tabby cat at about 8 years old, but the fat looks to be the saggy kind. He's been mistaken for pregnant before. I'm gonna get him to a vet later this week.
I've no idea what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day though. I guess I'll look up relaxation techniques online, my therapist suggested it a week ago, and I've an appointment tomorrow. Better get on that.
No? Yes? I best play it safe, then, and not make a blog at all. I'll leave it up to chance and circumstance to decide how I will enter the world. Will I be born under a new star of Bethlehem? Will I amaze crowds as secret powers suddenly manifest in the enigmatic but quiet figure nobody suspected but everyone respected? Or will I work my way up from the bottom of the line, creating the inspiring story of a man who went from zero to hero, all because of his will to help people?
Is a blog, an internet blog which anyone can do, the best way to publicly begin my life quest to become the hero of Earth? Or is it a folly, to deny one's self admittance to the world because they want to be invited backstage first?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today was pretty good. I logged in only for a short time for Limbus, an activity involving around a dozen people, killing monsters and collecting rewards as in any MMORPG. The details are complicated, sure, but all you need to understand is that it's really no different than an after-school club getting together at a park and playing baseball. The details are different, yes, but the premise is the same. Have fun with people you like to be around.
And I did have fun. Sexy fun. We make a lot of sexy jokes and innuendo. It's relaxing, in a way, because I don't have many people to talk to about this kind of stuff. My family would understand, sure, but it's more awkward than relaxing. It's fun with my friends.
I didn't get any rewards save for a few ancient beastcoins, but that's fine. I did get a special hat for my Black Mage the day before, completing the set, so I'm psyched for the week in terms of rewards. I like this hat.
I bought myself a pendant too, which augments my magical powers when I'm low on mana. It was rather pricey, but I've been saving up for nothing to buy, so I just did it. I need to start hoarding again, though. I don't like being low on money.
I started this blog incidentally after a friend in that Limbus run showed me HER blog, so I decided to try my hand at it. I probably won't get past the first week.
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I overslept today. Well, I fell asleep at 10:00 in the morning and woke up at 2:00 in the afternoon, more like. My cat is sick, so I've been tending to him all night. He seems a little better today, I went to the pet store and replaced his dishes with stainless steel ones that don't attract bacteria, and got him some catnip for when he gets better. He's still very sluggish though, and not eating much. I'm worried about diabetes. He's a rather chubby black and white tabby cat at about 8 years old, but the fat looks to be the saggy kind. He's been mistaken for pregnant before. I'm gonna get him to a vet later this week.
I've no idea what I'm gonna do for the rest of the day though. I guess I'll look up relaxation techniques online, my therapist suggested it a week ago, and I've an appointment tomorrow. Better get on that.
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